Miserable
by MoriCartel
Summary: Kagome is home again in great pain. After so much of her trust in love has been faultered by the one she loves most, and final confessions, was it all meant to be? Or was it meant as a huge miserable mistake?
1. Default Chapter

Miserable ...  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the InuYasha characters but I did create this story.  
  
"..." Speaking  
  
'...' Thoughts  
  
I feel miserable. There is no other word I can find to describe how I feel. Miserable.   
  
Ever feel like someone's punched you in the stomach while countless strangers point and laugh at you? They mock your fragility as blood begins to course from your broken nose and split lip, oozing to the ground your limp body rests on. Ever taste the salty sweet metallic texture of life blood as it begins to flood into your throat resulting in the sickly cough you cannot fight against? How about the bruises which begin to swell and color in horrendous hues? Don't forget the concussion in the back of your skull from being slammed into the pavement before the beating ever commenced. Pounding with each blow to your ribs, chins, back, ass, and random other bodily places. I know the heathens can see the tears leaking from these swollen eyes, reddened with fear and pain. Have I ever been beaten' as badly as this? No. Simply no. Though I've been staved up before during the quest for the jewel shards, my beating was not, were not physical. My beatings were psychological, emotional for the most part. Though I'm sure the pain is not so very different.  
  
It doesn't take long for the fear to subside. For me, it doesn't take long for my body to be broken, but what's worse is that this time my spirit has been splintered. The thought of it being broken would be the death of me, but even I know it in my soul that it won't take much anymore before it gives out on me.   
  
I have searched for salvation which has been rumored to "save your soul" or "regain what you've lost" or "lacked" and at one point I felt as if I finally found it. I have let my protective innocent walls around this battered heart of mine been torn down to find it now hardening and becoming chilled. I have experienced love. The wonderment of new emotions flooding this weak heart beating within my chest. I know what if feels like to drown in the bliss of soft lips caressing my own as abandoned dreams and hopes cascaded their possibilities before my closed eyes. Tears of joy and frustration released one by one with the need to feel happy. To love and suffer its loss was a cycle which came as second nature. The yearn for it being so strong and desired. Yes, I know what "love" feels like; and it is because of it, I chose to harden my heart. Letting it only beat mechanically to supply this worthless body of mine with the blood and oxygen it needs.   
  
There's a man who I had once shared my entire soul with, (or tried to), for about a year and then some only to feel the twinge of pain and guilt seep into my subconscious. It was because of my feelings for him these emotions unearthed. I had disillusioned myself in thinking a relationship with him would work. He claimed to have been in love with me while I knew full well she was still consuming his heart. If it had been anyone else I saw go through the obvious hopeless romance novel scenario, I would have dumped his ass and gone home. Jewel be damned. Still, my desire to love and be loved was strong, and ignorance ruled out logic. What a tragic mistake to make to add to the many I had already made in this worthless life of mine.  
  
I can still remember the night where the world crashed down around my shoulders. Why it was suddenly during the "relationship" eludes me to this day, but I remember it well. With one look in the mirror before bed one night while visiting home, I stared at my reflection. Had I really been crying while brushing my teeth? The puffy eye lids, blood shot eyes, soaked lashes and blotched red face had made it evident. I was stupid and played the fool. In the course of a year I had become someone I hated. I crawled in my own skin and decided a shower would do me good.  
  
I was wrong. It just reminded me of him and how clean he always smelt when he held me. Touched me. Kissed me. So I wept until my head hurt and my knees gave out. I was in love and my heart ached because the love was false. I don't know how long I knelt there like that. Naked and drenched with water too hot for my skin and knees slightly scratched from the rough surface of the bath tub from my collapse. My body ached from being burned and darkened into a marvelous shade of red. Anything to cover my breaking heart was worth the pain. So I sat on my sorry ass with my bruising knees pressed against my chest and instinctively wrapped my arms protectively around my body rocking slowly back and forth. Nothing could make me feel whole that night and I had screamed out to nothing and no one. I was the only being in the house and so no one knew I sat there for over an hour just letting my flesh singe and my hair slip down the drain as time and time again I had grabbed my scalp and hair during fleeting fits of sobbing.  
  
Didn't seem to matter how soft the towel felt against my skin or how the bathroom held the fragrance of berry scented shampoo and cheap body wash. Even with the familiarity of the wall tiles, the flooring, the toilet seat which hadn't changed since I started kindergarten, provided no amount of comfort that I could possibly feel that night.   
  
I remember streaking my fingers down the steamed mirror allowing me to see a clean yet disheveled face through the claw-like streaks of condensation. A mess inside and out. Clearly visible. Strangely enough, as soon as it started it began to fade. I was relieved the pain and desperation faded and welcomed a new friend. "Numbness". I could have cut my skin with the dulling disposable razor which sat in the bathtub and feel a twinge of pain as it sliced into my flesh, but I wouldn't care. I doubted the physical pain would have lasted long, anyhow.   
  
So I did the next despicable thing you could dream of. I began to laugh. I laughed like a mortal slowly giving way to psychotic realms that not even I could have contemplated my heart sinking into. Tears of futility streamed down my face and when those little bastards fell, let me say they were so beautiful to behold. I have changed. He has changed me. And for what? Jewel shards, to not be alone? I no longer care.  
  
I cried, wept, sobbed in vain. It was all so pointless. Why the Hell would anyone care? Why should I have bothered fighting for a sense of feeling when deep in my mind, it was so easy to let the numbness seep into this body? Like those tears which stained my face, there was no reason. My love was not mine. He had always chosen the girl which I tried desperately not to hate. I vowed to live a life free of hatred towards anyone or thing besides Naraku. He had been the one to bring enough pain and tears to last a life time to so many others and there I stood feeling betrayed and used by another man. He robbed Kikyo and InuYasha their happiness, and because I showed up, screwed up, I now have to suffer the same fait of loss and heart ache.  
  
Damn the male population and curse my moment of weakness! So there I stood laughing at myself. I had done it yet again. I trusted and I got hurt. Would you believe it? I felt sorry for myself in his arms so I allowed him access all those layers of walls around my heart and to allowed him to take them down one by one with each kiss, hug, nuzzle, caress… I still cringe at the filth of it all. The sweetness of the filth which propelled me into the position I am now in.  
  
"Well InuYasha, you were right all along," I chuckled. "You knew I would always screw up at the beginning of it all, and look. I am a screw up. Has your little 'Jewel Detector' made you proud?" I could have slammed my fist into that mirror letting the shards fall around the sink and into my knuckle, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Why piss my mother of on top of all the other shit in my life? I didn't need her bombarding me questions of why I had done it, what possessed me into breaking the medicine cabinet and what psychologists office she was going to shove me into. No, it was bad enough I had my own unanswered questions. I always have loved her, don't get me wrong, but I couldn't face her disappointment so I did what could do: towel off and violently brush the knots out of my hair.  
  
The walk down the short darkened hallway was quiet and getting to my bedroom door felt tiring. My knees ached and my chest throbbed with each shallow breath. I had a headache that was kneading itself firmly into my brain and crept into the back of my eyes. There had to be something to easy my mind and at that time I had hoped that music might feed my breaking spirit. I could feel my self breaking inside knowing that if I ever did break it would ultimately be my death.   
  
Of all the rotten luck, why did I have to choose to trust? The familiar notions and imaginary sounds of bricks and construction floated to my ears as the crumbled wall around my emotional heart began it's new uprising. It would take a long time to become an impregnable fortress I knew, but damn it, it would be built again and never meant to fall! Love does not care who it has you fall for nor does it care who it hurts. It's wonderful when you have it. You feel as if you're invincible and nothing will take it away… until it's gone. Then it just hurts like fuck. I instantly felt lonely again not really knowing who I was anymore.  
  
Standing by my open window the warm summer night air filtered into my bedroom. I was relieved he wasn't sitting on the ceil or perched in any surrounding trees. The door to the old beat up well house were firmly shut and undisturbed. 'Let him try to come for me tonight or tomorrow for that matter. I will not go back. Not until I'm ready.' Many thoughts similar to those coursed their way through my aching head as I stood there staring at the night sky. Would I ever go back? Was there a reason to? Exhaustion eventually claimed my body and I slumped my way over to the bed.  
  
Didn't sleep much that night once I finally slid under the covers. Just laying there in the dark listening to the radio and held my eye lids closed. Wasn't hard. They were pretty much swollen shut as it was, though random strands of tears still passed through outer corners of my eyes.   
  
I relished in the hopes of being fully numb the next morning, but I knew I wasn't to be so lucky. The whole hurtful and meaningless process would just continue. See him, feel used and guilty even though we were a "couple in love", and be subjected to the woe's of him and her. She'd come for him at random times and every time he left thinking we were all asleep, a piece of my heart cracked. He was never mine as he told me. His promises were empty besides protecting his faithful shard detector. That is my unspoken title after all: Kagome Higurashi, weak human jewel detecting miko.   
  
After all, nothing was just that - nothing - and ever so steadily I became just that as sleep finally claimed me.  
  
Yeah there's only one word I can think of to describe how I've felt for years.  
  
Miserable.  
  
~_*_~_*_~_*_~_*_~_*_~_*_~_*_~_*_~_*_~_*_~   
  
How was it? Worth continuing? This was just something that popped into my head around two am in the morning. I've got another story going currently and that's the priority right now. If anyone would like to see this continue, I'll try to see what I can come up with. Please review if you have the time. Arigato.  
  
-MC '^_^ 


	2. Memories of First Loves Kiss

I decided to continue this when I feel inspired to, so forgive me if future "updates" take long spans of time. I apologize. I would like to let you readers know, that my other fiction, "Our World Is A Canvas", will hopefully be updated soon as it appears the cloud of writers block is passing, and I've been thinking up some ideas for a new chapter. As always, I thank you for your reviews.

-MC '

Miserable ...  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the InuYasha characters but I did create this story.  
  
"..." Speaking  
'...' Thoughts

I woke that morning from my, 'shower', facing my window and bureau curled warming under my comforter, to find that he was not there. Already I had been gone for four days, and my irritable, impatient hanyou had yet to come for me. Now, truth be told, if I were to say that I was glad he did not come, that I would be lying. Though I hurt deeply, I still loved him. Foolish and headstrong though it be, my heart couldn't help but dip down into my belly with disappointment that he didn't care enough even show up to rave about my not being back in time for our journey for the jewel shards. Least then I felt useful, if not for that then maybe feeling wanted; even for a purpose as small as picking up the pieces I had literally shattered throughout that time period.

So I heaved a sigh and rolled onto my back, much to my knees discomfort, to stare at my bedroom ceiling which is now showing cracks of age and dust. Reflecting on how much it felt my life could be portrayed to my ceiling, thoughts began to weave themselves into the back of my brain. Why did I have to dream? Couldn't I have been spared just one night of dreamless, empty, hollow rest?

My dreams were compiled of memories. So many things have happened in just a couple of years. Places visited, countless battles, injuries, close calls, friendships being tightly bonded, emotional triumphs, and of course… emotional baggage. Wonderful memories that I just for this once in this one time of pain, I had only wished never took place. Maybe I need to clarify for myself, that this was a year ago, nearing my sixteenth birthday as things began to change. Upon first meeting each of my friends from that era wasn't easy then, either, but things were not so complicated back then as I saw them to be. I have known them all for over two years now, but this last one has been my personal undoing; for I got too damn close. Unknowingly to both of us, he had gotten under my skin, and I under his. Dreaming of it all that night makes it even more clear to me how badly I screwed up.

I dreamt about the afternoon my beloved hanyou pushed me into the well in fear for my safety after pulling me into his strong embrace telling me he was afraid he'd lost me. The evening I had sat with him by the river after he had slaughtered those bandits as a full demon, and his gentle touch of his clawed hand on mine. Or my moment of being controlled by that witch with the jewel shards I had in my possession and he staying with me instead of running away.

Oh yes, there were the complicated issues and dilemma's to face, but it was all the simple things, too. The many times of him carrying me upon his back being one of the fondest in my tearing heart. Watching over us at night up in a tree, (which I always imagined felines having the knack for instead of wild dog hanyou's.) The, "feh's", "keh's", and irritating twitching of his ears when I refused to listen to his warnings of my safety. Ok, so I have a slight knack for getting my neck into trouble from time to time, but you know that old saying, "We learn from our mistakes." So how is it I hadn't seemed to be opening my eyes to the mistakes I was making internally?

Oh, yes, so many other miniscule things to ponder over, but what's more, I dreamt of other people. Mainly my incarnate, Kikyo. Yes, I still recall all the times he went off to see her. All the times I felt a 'pang' to my heart strings as he did so, and his being unable to look me in the eye for a day afterwards. To hate her would be easy. To despise her would be simple… but I can't. Never could bring myself to do either. Except long to be in his heart the way she was.

Maybe I should have stayed here, in my era. Chucked the jewel at him, run off and stayed away from Inuyasha… but it was my obligation to protect the jewel, I suppose. And back then I wasn't even really sure how to get home when one by one, fate began it's unraveling for our journey together. Even so, down the road of our 'relationship', I had so many opportunities to leave that place behind. I couldn't though, because there were too many questions and people I didn't even stop to consider, without having to really think about them in the first place. What about Sango, Miroku, Shippo, Lady Keade, Kouga? What would they have thought of me? What about my obligation to repair the Jewel? (Again, curse my rotten luck.) That bastard Naraku needs to be disposed of once and for all. All of those questions are important to me, those people, my friends… but the only thing I thought about was getting back to him. My wanting to continuously go back was to see Inuyasha again. I was selfish, foolish, and conceited. That's how I see it, now, but I did return by some 'miracle' and I missed the others as well.

And once again a roller coaster of emotional turmoil and baggage plops itself into my lap. I was constantly, still am constantly reminded that Kikyo and Inuyasha were happy together five hundred years ago and the only reason that changed was because of Naraku. They had done nothing wrong but to love one another, and they unwillingly tore themselves apart. Each seeking their revenge against the other, until both accepted the truth about the seeded events which blossomed into demise. Still. Inuyasha's been freed from his binding, Kikyo has been resurrected, and I ended up in a messy love triangle which I am slowly coming to openly resent.

One year ago tomorrow, as I remember it, was one of the nights before I had left for home. Kikyo crossed our paths, yet again. Of course he went to see her, for only who knows what or why, but this time, I respectfully stayed and reserved the task of helping Sango with dinner. He left without saying anything more than a mumbled, "Kikyo," to himself. It hurt then, as it always hurt before. Before I knew what my heart ached for me to realize and before I had admitted to myself that I had fallen in love with him.

A couple hours later, he returned. My suspicions were that he waited for the moment we had fallen asleep before returning back to camp. He looked tired and upset like all the other such encounters between him and her, yet that night he chose to lean against the base of the tree a yard beyond my feet. Something in his demeanor had changed, how I knew I still can not say, but somehow, I knew…

----

"Inuyasha?" I asked him groggily, sitting up to face him as he leaned back against the trunk with Tetsusaiga snuggly resting against shoulder.

"Go to sleep." was all he gruffly said to me and I nodded. Not wanting to ruffle his feathers at what I judged to be about two am in the morning, I laid my head back down wishing him a sleepy good night's rest only to be surprised. "Sleep well, Kagome." he yawned.

----

Never before, had he said such a thing to me in 'that type of way' in front of the others. Granted they were sleeping, but there was no hesitation in what he had said to me, and my heart instantly soared with hope despite his leaving us to visit her. Back then we were both pretty much closed off to each other when the subject of love and relationships arose, and so neither of us had yet to speak our minds about "us".

I could feel it in my bones the bond between he and myself were changing at a rapid pace. You'd think that one would know better than to have any hopes of being with a person who was already in love with someone else, alive or dead as he or she may be, but nope. Not me. Not then. Still, the next morning, bright and early, I declared it time for a break so I could return home for "supplies and school." Truth was, I couldn't stay there any longer. If I was going to cry, I needed to do it at home. If I was going to try to think about other things, he needed to be five hundred years in the past with me five hundred years ahead in my future. My first emotional break down was going to require tissues, chocolate, and sleep. Just to return with a heart barely starting the mending process and pride still greatly deflated, to do it all over again a couple days later. Geeze what an idiot I am.

Most urgently in my head at this moment, however, was the night my heels officially flew over my young head. Yes, 'that night.' The one night in which our love began its obvious flight, so I had been lead to believe at least. The Kikyo encounter wasn't even a week gone by and so like all the other times though difficult, I sucked it up best I could, trying to move on. The morning I was due to return to the Feudal Era, as fate would have it, a glass I was washing after breakfast slipped from my hands and crashed into the empty side of the sink. A rather large shard caught into my skin, resulting in a cut located few inches above my wrist, giving off the impression of attempted suicide. Joyous of joys what luck I was having! So with much scented soap, hand lotion, ointment and light bandaging later, (with the help of Mom), I waited till night fall to return with the hopes of my wound going undetected.

Upon arriving back to the Feudal Era, with that monstrosity of a backpack, I found Inuyasha leaning against a tree waiting for me at the forest edge. That silly boy had stomped up to me and fumed over an hour about what "being on time when promised," meant and how much "time had been wasted already because of trips going back to that 'strange era,'" of mine. I chuckle at the thought to this day, though now it's become quite sad and lethargic. Those same little lectures for a long time as it was, and as the time progressed I think he still did that as to prolong returning back to village as soon as I had come back. Almost as if he wanted to have some time to ourselves, in a warped kind of way.

----

"Stupid girl. What took you so long? Do you know how much time has been wasted because you insisted about 'going home'?" he had snarled though instantly slugging the pack over his shoulders leaving me to sigh and trudge along side him.

"I had to get supplies and go to school, Inuyasha. There's things I have to do at home that are just as important as those here, you know. Besides, I missed my family so of course I wanted to go home as soon as possible."

"If it weren't for you sitting me all the damn time you feel like getting your way, we'd already be after Naraku with more shards of the jewel then he has now!"

"Sorry, Inuyasha." I had sighed while shrugging. "Can't help the way things turn out. We'll defeat Naraku when the time is right." The determination sparked in his eyes, I could see, but good old Inuyasha, pushed it aside quickly, and therefore redirected the subject back to me.

"Feh, don't take so long next time, alright?"

And so it went. The usual banter I had grown accustomed to, though through the months of getting to know him better on a deeper level, I could sense he was just probably either lonely or bored. I had already shrugged it off thinking that was all there was he had to say, when he lead us back to the Goshinboku rather than Keade's hut. At the time, two thoughts had crossed my mind to his sudden unusual behavior: the night Kikyo crossed our paths or because something had happened while I was gone.

----

Memories like these now leave me shuddering with insecurity, and even then I found myself turning onto my left side to face the wall while curling up further underneath my covers. Something akin to the "fetal possition." Thinking about it brought on so much pain, but reliving those nights are far worse. Damn it love sucks. Must find a bumper sticker and just slap that onto my back everywhere I go. It doesn't matter how many tears I cry, the pain will always be deep within my heart, and his touch, his smell, his voice, will forever be etched into my very core. That night. That talk. His touch. Those eyes. Damn those eyes. Once again, those little bastards are slipping from behind my eyes soaking my pillow slightly. Fuck. I'm crying again.

I remember the way he flopped my bag onto the ground and continued to walk for a few more yards it seemed, leaving me to come standing next to my cargo, staring after him silently. Confusedly. His fingers clinched and unclenched, fisted and released, shaking, and his head was sagging a bit. The wind chilled me down to my bones while it played with a few locks of his silver mane and my own dark strands.

The silence was frightening to me, like it never was between he and I, and I guess it was my anxiety or my staggered breathing which caused his ears to turn behind him facing me. My own fingers were twisting around themselves at my sides. Had I done something wrong? Did I really take too long returning? Was something said? Was he hurt?

----

"Inuyasha?" I asked, for what else could I say? My voice faltered.

Slowly he turned his head and stepped back with his right foot towards me. Those eyes, golden, aged with pain and old love, betrayal, confusion, fear, and 'new' love? The moon have him a whimsical look and a glow which seemed unearthly. Damn, why did he have to be so beautiful? I was still hurting about him and Kikyo, and perhaps he knew it had gotten to me yet again. He knew it bothered me, I could always tell, but he and I just sort of chose to ignore the issue. It was too confusing and hurtful I suppose.

"Inuyasha?" I tried again and he sighed shakily. "Tell me?"

"Kagome," his voice was quiet, eerily so, and the only time I had ever known him to speak in such low monotone, was when he was truly pissed and poised for battle. I winced under his gaze, hoping he hadn't seen the shiver it caused, but I never was so lucky. "What are you scared of, Kagome?"

Damn him. Some things he was truly clueless on, but it was the things I didn't want him to notice about myself that his radar screamed in his head to pay attention. Bless my hanyou for rare occurrences when it truly counted. "Nothing," I lied.

"Don't lie." Caught again. "You're scared of me, is that it?" I shook my head no and held my breath as he slowly began to advance on me. "You are scared of me. I see how you're shaking. I see it in your eyes - the uncertainty. Do you honestly think I would hurt you? I had… had hoped… you wouldn't be after all this time." his voice softened after each sentence until he was mere feet from me.

"I… I guess it's the way you're looking at me. I'm sorry." I bowed my head in shame. He was right, he wouldn't hurt me on purpose. Not physically at least but inside I was a mess. Like loving him was the wrecking ball demolishing me bit by smashing bit. "Something is wrong, isn't it?"

He was silent once more. Standing there staring at me, waiting for me to look him in the eyes again. So, I finally stood down and looked at him. What I saw, however, had my hands covering my mouth in an instant with an audible gasp so sharp it sucked my fingers through my chapped lips. Those beautiful golden orbs were glazing over with unshed tears, which had my own beginning to pool. The air was growing stale and my heart pounded like tribal drums warning of attack against my ribs. "Inuyasha, what happened? Miroku, Sango, Shippo? Oh God not Keade, tell me they're ok? Tell me! What's wrong!"

"They're fine bitch!" he seethed. For the life of me I hadn't an idea to what sparked this resentment, this anger, bitterness towards me. "They're asleep in the village, nothing is wrong with them so relax."

Swallowing thankfully for my friends safety he crossed his arms with a saddened glare which I never knew anyone was possible of doing, till that moment. "If it's not them, then what is it? It's me, isn't it?" my own anger was rising. Kikyo was still fresh in my mind and all I wanted to do was to find some pointy object and chip a little bit away at myself so I could count just how many scars I'd walk away with once our journey was over with. I guessed it was just one of those breaking points one hears so much about and before I knew it, I was shooting my mouth off. "Alright fine. So what did I do that's so wrong this time? I know I'm a screw up and I get into trouble which you always come rescuing me for, so just spill it. Tell me what I did so you can get it all out in the open and call it a night. Gotta be up early after all if we're…"

"Shut up!" he shouted covering his ears. "You don't know what you're talking about. Damn it Kagome just shut the hell up would you?! Damn it. Why?!"

Why? I hadn't a clue what 'why' he was referring to. If anyone had the right to ask questions, it was me. After all the shit with Kikyo and his strange behavior, being entitled to answers was my domain. "What are you talking about?"

"You thought you could hide it from me, Kagome? Why would you do that to yourself?" he pleaded almost desperately. "I know you of all humans wouldn't be so low, so fucking cowardice."

"Do -what-?" I emphasized folding my arms much like himself. "I came back as soon as I could. Was there something I forgot to settle before I left? Or is this about… her?" the anger in his eyes intensified and soon I found myself forced back by two strong clawed hands against the sacred old tree with a enraged half demon before me, panting. "Inuyasha! S-"

"If you utter that damn spell witch," he growled bitterly, "I'll make sure to take you down with me, so you can't move for an even longer period of time while you explain what the hell you've done. Now answer the fucking question." his fangs were bared.

Back then, I was never one to cuss. Being in the young, naive 'innocent' stereotyped category I some how slipped into, never allowed me to feel able to utter such vocabulary. His cussing surpassed anything he'd ever said before and how dare he talk to me in such a tone.

That's when it happened. Between the pressure on my shoulder blades and the tree bark, a still broken heart, shaking limbs, and just plain fucking confusion, I truly let lose. "Screw you." I swore under my shaky breath. Not one of my prouder moments, but being stepped on for that long, by some one you love more than life itself, does something to a person who never spoke up to them before. But damn, it felt so good to say it. Compared to how folks knew me to be, and though it may not have been much to say, that half man half beast got an earful. Or would that be ear's' full?

"You listen to me Inuyasha, the only reason keeping you on two feet is the fact that I am no mood to be crushed under your body while you rant and bitch at me about things you always gripe at me for. Who the fuck cares if I was a couple hours late getting here? You ungrateful dog. I have a family that I miss and want to see and if I want to see them I have the right to do so. If we are low on supplies you are not one to argue with me about going to get more because I will not have any one of our group dying because of not having medical supplies to help them heal, to stay alive… and don't you dare forget who brings back the ramen you adore so much next to Kikyo." I could feel his claws begin to prick though my sleeves and his growling climbed slowly from deep within his chest to his throat. I knew I struck an overly sensitive nerve that time. So, I used it. "But I know they, like the jewel, are the things you'd never forget. So why the fuck are you bitching at me like a fool? I know those are the three most precious things in your life: ramen, the Jewel, and Kikyo. Isn't that right, Inuyasha?"

"How dare you go off on me you…"

"Say it," I spat, "and I will make sure you're buried here in this spot for a God damned month. I have held my tongue a good long year and you're going to hear me out or there won't be anything left of me, understand?!" it may have been the tone of my voice, it might have been my threat, or it my have been the tears which had flooded the gates and streamed down my cheeks… but his mouth snapped shut with ears attentive to what I had to say.

"When I met you, Inuyasha, you tried to kill me for the Jewel, but with a twist of fate I screwed up and shattered the damn thing. Yes, this entire mess is my fault. I openly admit that and I can't seem to apologize enough for it. So much has happened since those days. We met up with Shippo and the Thunder Brothers, then Miroku, and eventually Sango. Some where Kouga came in, Totousi, Myoga, Sesshomaru, your sword. When I released you from the tree, -this- tree, that bare spot above my head, you trusted no one then. Had nothing but the clothing on your back, claws ready to defend yourself against the world, and left with a horrible past. No where to go. Not a 'friend' in the world. You were just a walking, lost, sad being of hurt and yet look now. Since then, you willingly risk your life for four of us 'weak' humans and a small kitsune. You've changed since that day, seen so much, care so much more. But don't you dare forget how they risk their life for you, in return.

You have no fucking right to pin me to this tree after everything I have tried to do for you this past year. I have tried so damn hard not to judge what you do, even if I may not agree or understand. I've never given you a reason not to trust me. I have never walked out on you. All I have done is go home to cool off because it hurts fighting with you all of the damn time.

Do you think I enjoy being called and branded, 'stupid' or 'shard detector' if someone sees us together and asks if we ARE together? Then there's Kikyo. Look, if you want to be with Kikyo, then please just go! The next time she shows up for a visit, just say goodbye to us all and leave with her! If you two kill Naraku before the rest of us do, then I'll just hand you my share of the shards so you can become this all powerful demon if you want to. I can say goodbye to my friends here and go home. I would hope I'd be able to see you one last time to say goodbye, but I know she would want to leave as soon as possible with you so the chance of saying goodbye to you would be slim to none for me." By now his eyes were tired and hurt. "I know you want to defeat Naraku so you can fulfill your obligations with her as soon as possible. I know."

"And what does it matter to you what she does?" he retorted. "I didn't bring her up, Kagome, you did so why are you turning this against me? What does Kikyo have to do with anything? You fucking cut yourself and I want to know why." by this time my sleeve was forced up my arm and the bandaging discarded on the ground, him inspecting the now freshly bleeding wound. "Fuck this is deep. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Did you do it because of Kikyo?"

Ah, then the sudden realization finally kicked in. "Is that what brought this on? I can never tell with you because there's always something I do wrong worth your constant scolding." no matter how I twisted, squirmed, pulled, his grip was tight and my arm hurt. It was nice to feel something of my body bleeding, besides my heart.

"Just answer me Kagome!"

"NO!" I screeched knowing how sensitive his ears were, but I didn't care at that point. Over tired, hurt, angry, and saddened, going to bed was all I wanted to do at that moment. To hell with him and his accusations. "I was washing a glass in the sink and it slipped cutting my arm." I finally sighed as he licked it clean, to my dismay, and re-wrapped it with a cloth of some sort from inside his haori.

"Pretty deep for an accident." he remarked to me dryly while releasing my arm.

"If you don't trust my word, go ask my mother and she'll tell you I'm not lying. She helped to bandage it, no thanks to your ripping it off. Now if that's all you've got to scream at me for, I'm going to the village to see the others and then I'm going to bed. Goodnight."

"Kagome, we're not done here and you're not going anywhere." he growled. "Besides, I'm having Keade look at that once this discussion is over."

"It'll heal so don't worry, your shard detector won't be out of commission for more than a few hours."

"Is that all you think of yourself as? Is that what you take me for? If that's what you think then you're even more stupid then I gave you credit for. Damn it Kagome, look at me when I'm talking to you!"

I still don't know why I didn't sit him, but I turned to face him again anyway. "Fine, you want to talk? Let's talk. So then answer my question, what good is the jewel to you when you're choosing death with Kikyo again? Or are you just going to wish her back to life? I think I deserve the right to know, seems how I'm the one giving it to you once the jewel is pieced together again."

"I, I… that's not the point!" he tried.

"It IS the point!" I cried out desperately. "I knew you choose her long ago, and you always have. Always will."

"I have to Kagome, you know that. She gave her life for me and I have to do the same. You've known this." he sighed with exasperation.

"Yes. Which is why I asked about your use of the jewel."

"The jewel is all you think about?"

"It was in my body originally, then it was torn from me, I shattered it, and somewhere along the line planned to give it to you. There is also the fact I am the reincarnation of Kikyo and because of that, it's my responsibility of what happens to it."

"Yeah, so I can use it to become all demon. Why, you got a problem with that all of a sudden?" he snapped.

"I think you were born the way you were meant to be, Inuyasha."

"A pathetic half-demon? You know what happens to me that one night I'm the weakest!"

"You have us to protect you! We're you're friends, Inuyasha. Trust us! Let us take care of you like you take care of us!"

"NO! I am no coward!"

"And changing who you are because you fear your own weaknesses isn't cowering?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he sneered.

"It means that in my heart I feel that you are as you should be!"

"As I should be? What do you care?! If you don't like what I've chosen for myself, then just go back to that stupid time of yours! See if I care!"

"If you remember I chose of my own accord to stay with you, Inuyasha. I can see just how little that means to you now."

"I'm just a worthless half breed! Tell me why you fucking care so much!"

"You are not a so-called 'worthless half breed' and I care because I care, alright!"

"Damn it, what is so fucking important to make you care so much?!"

"I care because I love you God damn it!!"

Finally. A year and I had played the fool, again. Opened my mouth and said something that wasn't meant to have been said. He was the last person I was ever ready to admit it to and besides admitting to myself that afternoon by this tree in my time I hadn't said a word of it to anyone. Though it was obvious to my friends here, I hadn't openly said to them, "yeah, I'm in love with Inuyasha…"

His posture stiffened while blinking rapidly.

"Kagome…"

"Why not just go now and release me from my prison? Release me of the feelings burning a whole through my heart. I know I'm not good enough, so please I beg you. Give me a way out, a reason, vision, anything to help mend what's been hurt." I turned away to hide the fresh wave of tears falling down my sorry face. I hated crying. I always have. Guess the breakdown I had at home wasn't good enough, after all. "If we're not worth your sticking around, if we're not good enough as stupid human mortals, if we're too weak, if you don't trust our un-spoken vow of protection for each other as friends, then you're not the person I thought I had grown to know and… It's okay though," I turned slightly to smile at him, face soaked, eyes puffy and probably red. "It's ok because I understand." and at that began to walk away when he turned from me, looking about ready to leap off some where to be on his own, leaving my yellow bag forgotten by the roots of the tree. "I'm sorry." I whispered.

Hugging myself for warmth and comfort, I noticed the stars were brighter than any other night I had ever seen before as I walked. Oh how they shimmered and danced in waves with the silvery moon blanketing the lands and forests in a soft light. Crickets chirped their symphonic like tunes and as I approached the crest of the path which over looked the fields and village, the fireflies lit up dancing too and fro. I must have been out there for a good hour. Standing. Thinking. Fighting a losing battle with fatigue for sunrise would be soon and going to sleep for only a couple hours wouldn't have been worth the nightmares and dreams I knew awaited for me behind closed eyelids.

A rustle of fabric reached my ears and in a mid stride run for the village I found myself whirled around to face gold and silver.

"Inuyasha, let me go, please. I just want to be alone. I can't take this right now so let me go, Please!" I whimpered.

"I, I'm s-sorry." he breathed. "It's that, you left angry, and the blood… just damn it!" and slammed me into his chest in a firm embrace. If there was anytime I had been severely confused by this walking mood swing with ears, right about then was on the top ten moments on the list. My neck felt a drop of warmth fall upon itself startling me a bit. I would have thought it was my imagination, if it weren't for the one that shortly followed it. I couldn't believe it. Inuyasha… in tears.

"What? Wait…Those? But, why?" nothing made since coming from my mouth. Fuck, nothing made since in my head, so why should voicing those thoughts sound anymore coherent than that?

"After I came back that night, with, with her…" he spared me her name, "You just left us the next day, left me without saying much of a goodbye. I knew you were crying, I knew, Kagome. But you left so damn fast, I thought you had left for good, and then were late coming back, and then I smelt your blood instantly. Days and hours went by then to smell your blood out of practically nowhere, I thought… I thought you might have died. I was afraid. Your arm… I thought you might have… but you didn't and I hurt you. I, I hurt you. So much worse then reopening your wound. Thought you didn't want to be with me any more. I thought you left me and I'd never see you again. Kagome, I hurt you…" he trailed off.

"It would take a lot for me to commit suicide, Inuyasha." I said carefully holding him. "Everyone is just stressed and tired from searching for Naraku. You didn't mean to hurt my arm and as for Kikyo," he stiffened, "she was your first love, still is and forever will be. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

"How can you say that?" he asked stepping back, face etched with pain and anger. I had figured the anger was directed solely to himself than me, but to see him in such pain pierced my heart. "After the shit you went through because me, why do you not hate me? Why are you still here?"

"Because," I said brushing a tear from his cheek, "I care and I'm where I choose to be."

"I think I'm in I love you with you, Kagome." he blurted as one word it seemed, while a shade of pink tinted his cheeks.

"Inu-yasha?" he looked to the ground and then gently took my hands in his. "When…"

"I never had the courage to tell you before now. I knew you cared, but you care about everyone and I never saw it for a different kind. Didn't realize it for what it was… is. I know I have no right to tell you this now. Not after everything I've said and done and because of what I must do to fulfill a promise made to Kikyo such a long time ago, but damn it Kagome. I do care about you and I hate to see you in pain."

"Inuyasha, if this is out of sympathy…"

"No." he interrupted firmly. "I'm not much of one for sympathy and I'm definitely not good with talking about feelings and all that shit, but I want you to trust me. To believe me, like you always have. I'll protect you. I don't want you to have any reason to leave me." His grasped each side of my jaw in both clawed hands, as his head lowered to mine and for the first time ever, Inuyasha gently kissed my chapped lips. He was slow and sweet. It was gentle and firm, not demanding or rough. His tongue only lightly traced my lips for moisture. Never did he jam it into my throat like a frog would a fly. It was passionate, intense, and full of longing and pent up emotions he hadn't been able to release. Nor myself for that matter. His arms held me firm to his body and once we slowly parted lips and opened our eyes, did we remember the concept of oxygen being needed for survival.

He was beautiful. He was strong, vulnerable, gentle, sweet… and he was already spoken for. Then as if reading my mind, he smiled a sad smile and I smiled sadly in return. "You know," he spoke, "Maybe, well, we could take this one day at a time…"

"One day at a time?" I inquired.

"You know I love Kikyo, but it's a different kind of love. I care for you both and I love you both, too; but Kagome if possible… I think I would want stay here with you."

"But Kikyo is going to take you to Hell with her once Naraku is defeated. As soon as he's dead, you will be, too." I sighed to him, another tear slipping over his thumb which in turn wiped it away tenderly, brushing his lips against mine briefly once more.

"I know." he said nuzzling into my neck. "I love you, Kagome, always. I'll try to think of something, I promise."

A smile couldn't help but spread across my lips, nor could I resist rubbing his ears while he nuzzled against me. "I know you will, Inuyasha and if you can't, then don't worry about it. It'll be okay, it has to be. It has to be… I'll always love you."

----

I had no idea what, from that minute on, what I had done. What I had started. Remember that whole love triangle thing? Yeah, go me. Right? I just made things a whole lot more confusing, adding to the mayhem, and heartache. All I wanted was to love him and it was then that I thought he felt the same. The words he spoke about Kikyo didn't seem to register into my brain after that was all said and done. I just couldn't help myself and I don't think he could either. But this love, it is mine. And it is his. Love is a pretty miserable thing sometimes, wouldn't you agree?


	3. Too Good to be That True

I decided to continue this when I feel inspired to, so forgive me if future "updates" take long spans of time. I apologize.

-MC '

Miserable ...  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the InuYasha characters but I did create this story.  
  
"..." Speaking  
'...' Thoughts

That was perhaps one of the greatest nights of my life, just at the wrong time it would seem. The next day went about as usual, staying at Keade's for a while and shipping off on another shard hunt. We received odd glances from Sango, Miroku and Shippo, but they never really spoke up against their thoughts. Hell, Kirara seemed to have a spark in her cat eyes.

The days rolled on, and battles took place, exhausting our bodies but bringing the pleasure and relief that the shard's' we gained before our biggest foe could get his claws on them. Even so, something in my gut was twisting and at the time my brain didn't register what or why. But I know now what was so odd. It was the fact that Kikyo hadn't made an appearance in the span of two months to visit Inuyasha. I didn't know then why, but soon enough her bait lured his curiosity as one night he left us that night as so many times before.

I ached that night, and I cried myself to a hollow sleep. Two months of feeling free to love him, to care, to not fear him leaving, and it crumbled away like a sand castle washed away by the ocean tides. By morning he still had not returned, leaving me sad, angry, confused, and hurt. So fucking hurt and upset all I wanted to do was go home. Betrayal was somewhere in the list of turbulent emotions where my heart was ripping, breaking, shredding, and splitting down in two. And when he did come back, his eyes were tired, shoulders slumped, scowling, and ruffled. His hair was a mess, ever so slightly to my eyes, and his clothing was dusty. His back in particular. I had jumped to an automatic conclusion he and Kikyo had screwed the night away into the morning light, but kept my mouth shut as everyone but him packed up to move out.

I don't know how long we walked, but it wasn't until much later that afternoon that he showed the signs of his temper. When he came up behind me to ask to talk for a moment, probably sensing how I must have been feeling, I faked sensing a jewel shard, and had us all heading East. East towards a village. East towards the village Keade resided at. The village outside of Inuyasha's Forest. The forest where the well was kept, and my passage back home. He more than likely knew I was lying, but made no argument to protest. Nothing but, "Feh, fine. Let's go."

He was angry at my brush off, but I guess one learns from the best. I know I was brooding. I know that I wasn't laughing, or smiling much. I know I was looking and acting like him, but all my thoughts were on feigning this little hunt towards home and formulate a plan. To plan a route in which, out of the blue, have the well "conveniently" emerge in a clearing enabling me to dash off saying a quick good-bye, and slipping away back home to my time.

I know I had promised him in not so many words that I'd stay with him. That I had been there because it was my choice to stay, and it was my choice to love him. However, at that moment, nothing mattered. I sucked it up and just wanted to go home to bottle up my grief while scrubbing the grime and guck from my body. The fighting was getting more intense, more deadly, and harder to predict as the demons began coming at us in larger sizes and with more shards in their flesh, scales, horns, bones and the like. Probably the ones who first picked up the shards once I shattered the damned thing.

Running my fingers through my hair, I let myself wonder what it would be like making love with him the first time. I wondered if I'd be his first as he would have been mine. Let myself stupidly picturing him with a couple toddlers running around the wooden house in confusion of who was getting into what. Thought maybe he'd be a good father. Hoped I'd be a good mother to my, our, children. God, if there is one, I had dreamed that it could happen, but then, I was ready to say goodbye once it was all over with. Naraku's death, completion of the Jewel, seeing the curse of the wind tunnel disappear, discover if Inuyasha still chose to wish himself to be a full fledged demon. Watch him to Hell with Kikyo. Yes. I'd watch it all. I'd watch every moment... and be happy for them all. Then I'd go home. If I could still go home once the Jewel was gone, if it were to be gone after the wish or prayer was made of it.

So lost in thought I hadn't even heard him approach me as we marched our way ever closer through the thick forest in direction to Kaede's. "Kagome?"

When I looked at him, I could see the hurt in his eyes but I was still angry. I was angry and hurt, and my previous thoughts did nothing my fuel that anger. "Yes, Inuyasha?" I asked quietly, bitterly, disappointedly.

He flinched a little. "Kagome, we need to talk about something."

"I think everything is fine Inuyasha. Nothing has really changed so much that needs discussing." His ears drooped ever so slightly and, crossing his arms, looking ahead of him again, huffed and marched ahead of us. I knew he wanted to give me some half-assed concoction of a story as to why he was away during the night. Probably wouldn't even be acting this way if no one knew he had left in the first place. I didn't care.

"Kagome?" I heard Sango saying as she scooted over to my left. "Kagome, are you alright?"

"Everything is just fine Sango, why?" I knew it was lame attempt to act innocent. If traveling with these people for over a year and something hadn't brought us closer together as a tight unit of friends, of second family, then what the Hell would? They knew me as well as I knew myself. I knew them just as deep. We understood each other, which is why Sango probably approached me as I nonchalantly spied Miroku cautiously attempt to follow up on Inuyasha.

"Kagome, you know we can sense something is upsetting you. It's most certainly upsetting Inuyasha. Tell me what's wrong." as if to add further incentive, Kirara, perched on her right shoulder, mewed strongly.

"Look," I had sighed. "It's nothing to worry over. Inuyasha and I always end up getting into an argument of some kind day in and day out. Him and I behaving this way shouldn't be that surprising. Just as much as Miroku's affections towards village girls. You, in particular. I can tell just by the way he looks at you." I tried to smile, to hide my pain, in hopes of my friends happiness.

She blushed. In anger or embarrassment, I chose not to determine. "I-I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh come on Sango. He's like, totally and madly in love with you." I chirped, a bit bitterly, I cringed.

"Oh, and what of you and Inuyasha,"she bit back teasingly. "It's just, well, we've noticed how you and he look at each other. Your eyes soften as his grow soft. It's clear you love each other."

I sighed. "You and Miroku are no different. There's no denying it, Sango. If Inuyasha and I are so obvious, then you two are no better. It's just after all this time to say other-wise would be a lie, which I am personally tired of doing. Inuyasha told me about his true feelings of me and I told him how I've felt about him all this time. It's just, it's just that it seems he's forgotten about that night."

"What do you mean, 'he's forgotten about that night?' "

"The night we confessed our love for each other, Sango. Two months ago. I was ready to leave for good. Told him that if he desired to be with his former love to do so and I wouldn't get in his way. I was tired of feeling in between. Then instead of saying anything, he just turned around, facing away from me. I walked off to come back to Keade's, when out of no where he appeared right in front of me. He confessed. We kissed and then told me he'd find a way for us to be together."

"You mean, Kikyo and the life debt she holds him to? The one of him following her into Hell once Naraku's been defeated? He said willing to back out of that vow to be with you?"

"Not in so many words, but that's what I felt he meant what he said as." I mumbled.

"Well that's wonderful Kagome!" she praised. "Now you can be free to love each other as you choose."

"Nope. See, him leaving last night hasn't been the first night that he's left. I've caught him snooping around the forest edge looking for something, or rather... someone. It's Kikyo, I know that's who he's seeing. He's kimono is always dirty when he comes back, he's tired, and disheveled. I don't want to think he's consummated things with her, but it's hard to ignore the tall tale sign of one's love making in the dirt." I sighed again shaking my head of the images rolling around my head. Him and Kikyo doing that... well. Not something I'd like to think about let alone picture in my head.

Sango was quiet for a moment, obviously thinking about my latest comment before glancing up at the two males several yards ahead of us. "I think it looks like your observations reflect truth upon the situation, but, maybe it is not completely what you see it to be. I think Miroku just figured that much out for himself." It was then I noticed a good sized lump egging up from his scalp, obviously a sign of Inuyasha's annoyance of him for something he must of said. "Inuyasha," I sighed quietly, pleased to see him continue walking, not hearing my command. "Sit." Walking past the said hanyou, now lying in a form fitting hole about a foot deep, I heard him mumble something about exacting revenge against some "stupid wench." Who the wench was, I hadn't the foggiest idea, but I'm sure she wasn't as bad as he'd depicted, and thus ignored promptly.

"No, I don't think so. Why don't you just -sit- down and rest around a little bit while Sango and I go -sit- under that tree over there." I mumbled over the pounding of body digging deeper into the soil and obscenities floating in the air around it, pointing up a small hill adorned by a thick, Sakura Tree, as I did so. "If you boys need anything, let us know. We'll be -sit-ting up there."

Sango and I talked quietly between ourselves, Shippo perched quietly on my left shoulder, commenting as usual about Inuyasha's idiocy. How he loved me but was too proud and stubborn to admit it. Man, the look on his face when I told what happened already. His reaction could be easily described as "a dear caught in headlights." It wasn't that which had me sulking; it was I, really, who was too stubborn to ignore that fact. His love for me. Finally after all the hurt of thinking he wanted Kikyo, he chose me; but it was at this time he slowly became engulfed with the old flame.

Realizing this, I turned my gaze over to he and the monk, watching as they conversed in their own conversation. Inuyasha's ears were considerably drooped and eyes downcast to the grass swaying in the breeze. His hands rested in front of himself, hidden slightly from my view by the one leg closest to me bent at the knee, towards the sky, as the other rested bent against the ground, in an half Indian styled seat. I wanted to approach behind him. To nuzzle my head into his hair. To hold him firmly around his chest, close to me. I wanted self assurance. Reassurance that he and I would be together. I wanted to be positive he wouldn't leave me like he promised.

If the others weren't around, I just might have been that stupid to act upon those wishes in my heart. What did my heart know, anyway? He always left for her, defended her, protected her. All with good reason, but she was capable of handling herself, we all knew this for some time now. Still, it hurt, and still I stayed to this point. Hardly leaving him for more than a few days in my own anger and resenting flees for home. He, after all, always welcomed me back. Maybe not with wide open arms, and maybe he didn't wait for me as so much as coming through the well to my time to come and get me to bring back, but still. None the less, I was accepted and welcomed back into this time with him and the others. And it's things like that, I'm grateful for.

And as these thoughts sunk into my head, Kirara mewed from Sango's lap as Miroku gently sat down before us, laying his staff down beside him; and my resolved was about to be ruined. His eyes were tired. Hues of black and purple lined the bags under his wary eyes and his scalp was sporting several new lumps from Inuyasha's angst.

"Kagome, care to please tell me what is going on between you and Inuyasha?"

"Not really." I smiled vainly, twirling a stray lock of hair around my finger.

"But Kagome, why won't you talk about it? Won't it make you feel better to get it off your chest a little?" Little Shippo asked. I just looked at him with that still phony smile, shaking my head, 'no.'

"He is most upset and won't say nothing more than you're mad at him without letting him explain." He frowned, crossing his arms over his chest. "Mind you, I'm sure this has something to do with the resent development of the change in behavior towards each other, and of other things, Kikyo, but he refused to enlighten me."

"Miroku," I breathed, setting Shippo down on the grass, to his dismay, "it's nothing to-"

"Worry over. I know," he interrupted and closed his eyes in thought. "How ever you see the situation to be, it is doing you both more harm than good. What ever this argument is about, is eating at you both. Locking yourselves away in your own heads, will not only further the drifting from one another, but it very well might destroy you both. You're in love with Inuyasha, and he loves you Kagome."

"Hai, Miroku, I know but-" I tried to desperately to cut in. Why didn't anyone want to leave me alone. Screw Inuyasha. He caused this, and I was paying for it in full. I only wanted to be left in peace to sulk, maybe cry as I usually did, and move on to the next day of this living Hell hole.

"Please listen to me Kagome."he persisted, snapping his eyes open once more in a heated and determined stare. Which turned out to be my breaking point of the conversation.

"No, you all listen to me," I glared angrily pressing myself firmly against the tree behind myself. "He promised me something so much more important than I can even explain."

"Kagome?" Heard Sango gasp, leaning away from me slightly.

I began to growl fiercely. "It's not fair of him," I pointed at said hanyou, "thinking it's okay to act against something that means to much to me after promising me he wouldn't. I know he's promised to protect Kikyo. I know he still misses her, cares about her. Regrets what that witch did to bring her back! But he promised to be with me! He promised he'd find a way for him and I to be together.

How can that happen when he's always running after her every time she's near by, stalking us in these woods?!" I cried out harshly, not intending on shedding actual tears, startling me enough to quiet my rage once more to a mere whisper. "He promised me some thing I hold very sacred in my heart and now he doesn't even care. What am I supposed to think, Miroku? He said he loved me, too.

Maybe he just wanted to spare my feelings until we kill Naraku and make the Jewel whole again. To, to indulge me or, or insure I won't go home for good before it's even completed. Maybe it was all said for his want of the jewel and revenge. I don't know." Sniffling, I looked skywards, admiring the stars that just faintly began poking into the early evening sky. The breeze was cool and the crickets were beginning to draw their legs together to make their music of the evening. "He said he loved me, too."

I bowed my head to face him again and whimpered with a dismal whine.

"And I believed him." I scratched the tears from my eyes miserably.

He must have taken pity on me when I looked to him again. He took a calming breath and spoke gently, as a mother would a child and began to calm my anxiety. "If you need time to think about this, then do so but please do not leave him in the state of mind and body you are in tonight. He's very much in guilt over this whole thing, and I am sure to bet that he wants nothing more than to have your undying love and forgiveness, Kagome. Remember, if it were not for your patience and good of heart, he might not even be the Inuyasha we all know and trust." I nodded. "He really does love you, try not to question him so soon. Why not try to at least settle his nerves a bit?" he suggested with more optimism, gaining a supportive mew from Kirara.

"Inuyasha can be a real idiot sometimes, Kagome," smiled the kitsune, "but we all see how deep his feelings for you are. I don't think he'd do anything to hurt you on purpose. I mean look at him. It's pathetic to see him so down in the dumps."

Sango smiled kindly. "Hai. He wears his heart on his sleeve, though he tries to hide it from everyone. It's love, Kagome, and it can be fragile and it can be strong. He needs you as much as you need him. Miroku is right, this time. You both need to resolve this or it eat at you both to a time where it might not be able to be undone. I'm sure you two can work this out."

I sighed despondently when she touched my shoulder where Shippo had rested. "I don't know. Maybe he is better off with Kikyo."

Miroku huffed. "Then shall we send word Koga that you're 'available' since you don't want Inuyasha anymore?"

"No! I know want to be with Inuyasha but I don't think he really wants to be with me!" I cried.

A faint, "feh." eco-ed up to our ears. "So be it. Let her do what she wants as she's already chosen how everyone else seems to feel about the damned situation."

I noted the sad like plea in his voice and fully took in the aura around him. Saw the usually hot tempered, head strong, proud hanyou sitting in the grass alone. Sullen and miserable. Like I was.

"Kagome?" it was Shippo. "You do love him, don't you? Well, I think that if he didn't love you, that he would be gone away some where else like all the other times he was upset or embarrassed. Inuyasha would probably be in the forest waiting for you to leave for home again because you were angry. That he wouldn't still be sitting there waiting for you to choose him or not. But even when you do leave, he always sits by the well or in a tree over looking it, waiting for you to come back."

"Oi, runt! You stay out of this! Feh. What do you know anyway. Let her go, see if I care!" A sharp stab pierced my heart inflicted but those angry words of his. Until I almost missed his next words, they were so soft spoken. "It's not like she'll ever forgive, or want to see me again, any way."

Yes, they were right, as usual. Good old' Sango, Miroku, Shippo and of course, Kirara. "Thanks guys. I-I think there are some things left unsettled between him and me that needs to be dealt with. Once and for all. This constant hurt is too much, I don't think anyone can take it anymore, and I just want it to be all put behind us so we can move on. I want to be with Inuyasha and I want him to want to be with me. What you've all said... I just hope you're right."

With those last words, I stood solidly on my two feet, dusting stray blades of grass, and patches of dirt from my rear and cautiously edged my steps down the small hill. My heart was crying. I didn't get pleasure from the feeling of knowing Inuyasha was hurting. Even if he was the cause of it, I loved him anyway. Besides, in any situation of the heart, he would normally huff a "feh", and go find a tall tree to brood in. That night, he sat on the ground, quiet, with his attentive ears wilting along with his slouched shoulders.

Eventually, I stood before him. He looked up at me with tired eyes full of regret, hurt, and love. I reached my hands out to him. Towards the half man, half demon whose own hands held my own wounded heart. His waiting for me to ease the pain of his, which he so willingly, (and I so readily accepted), laid in my own hands. Hands of which I kneeled to grasp in my own, squeezing gently, and pulled him up slowly to his feet to stand facing me.

"Inuyasha, can we go for a walk?" I smiled, albeit hesitantly, bit it was genuine and fixed my eyes intently into his eyes. Wanting him to see and feel my words as much as I breathed them to him. "If you're ready to explain what happened, I'm willing to listen to what you have to say, but only if you're ready to listen to me. Okay?"

He nodded softly, staring back into my eyes in an equal gaze, and gradually curled the edges of his lips forming a smile of his own. "Alright," he breathed, drawing in the scent of my shampoo from less than a foot away, "let's go." Squeezing my hands, creeping his fingers to entwine with mine, Inuyasha pulled me a step closer to his warmth as we began to slowly walk our way to find a quiet location by ourselves to mend old doubts that were mixing with the new. Hoping the others were right and my just hoping I wasn't making a mistake to lead to more pain and heart ache.

Maybe some things just didn't always have to be so miserable.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Hey, I'm really sorry about lack of updates. Mother had her gall bladder removed last month, and so I was up spending a couple weeks with her helping around the house 'because she was sore. Then I've been on job hunts, school issues, and other junk of the like. I'm not sure when "Our Life Is A Canvas" is going to be updated, but please hang around a while longer. It will be updated eventually, if it's worth updating, and again I apologize with all my heart.

As always, I thank you for your reviews. =}

-MC '


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